To Each Their Own Path is Drawn

To each their own path is drawn.


I look around and I see my friends and their friends. In fact, they are not truly my friends, they are my acquaintances. They have friends, however.
friends that are like family to them, like sisters it seems.
I have never had such friends.
Not only have I not had many friends in my life that have been of the female sex, but I have not had many friends at all.


Without fully going into the subjective definition of friendship that I am describing here, I consider the term "friendship" as a stable, relational description term that should be used in reference to someone whom shares such a connection.


I am not talking about the friends-in-passing, or the friends on Facebook, but the solid friends that are engaged in and share a genuine friendship--some may refer to such people as "best friends."
I have not had many of such relationships.
In fact, I have longed for female friendships for most of my adult life.


Most of my friendships last only for a season, typically ranging from one to three years, maybe.
Most of my friendships with guys only last a matter of months to two years, ending in most part due to developed feelings that were left unreciprocated, or a simple drifting of habit.
The latter is the primary reason why most of my female-friendships end. Or at least so it seems.


I am internally urged to beg the question: why? Why is it that I am not very good at making close friends, and why is it that I am seemingly incapable of maintaining said friendships?
But this urge, I will resist.


I see my less-close friends from high school--we were close then, but now we are of the Facebook-friends sort. They are still within the same circle of friends, still enjoying each others' company on a regular basis, still growing more and more knowledgeable of one another's deep struggles and passions and seemingly facing such trials and victories side-by-side.
Sharing meals.
Planning trips.
Living together and investing in one another, personally.


I have two best friends; two people that I would currently describe as my true "friends" of the deep-rooted meaning.
One is male.
One is female.
However, even we do not share such community as I have seen with others. They do not share such a friendship as I have with each of them, which I'm sure contributes greatly to this sense of "community."
Moreover, we are each in a season of our lives where familial and local community investment has become a strong focus. Rightfully so.


I am actually currently on the opposite side of the equator as both relational partners I am considering, and they each have their own lives and schedules, as do I.


To clarify, I am not complaining nor seeking for understanding. I know my Truth. I know it is not solely my Truth, but others' as well.
I am simply noting my thoughts and observations as a way of self-processing.


To continue, I do sense a longing--at times--for such community in friendship in a quality (the value I place on quantity in this matter is inferior to that of quality).


Here at the orphanage some of the girls ask me about my friends back home, only to follow with an expression of questioning when I tell them I only have two.
Here, they lives in homes with generally twelve other girls their age, surprisingly with a strong sense of community and love among them all. I would anticipate more drama from three houses full of girls.


In fact, my Junior year of high school my peer-friend count was zero. This hit me the first week of school when I found myself hesitant on where to find myself sitting during our lunch period.
The previous summer I had spend the lunch breaks of my summer school classes in the campus library for pleasure reading.


Although I knew many people in my high school, was very involved in my classes, ASB, Track and Field, Cross Country, Choir (for a year), and school events, I had no peer to call "friend" during the difficult seasons.


My best friends during that year were my Dad and my eight year younger sister, Julieanna. Although to some this may paint me as being very much of the loser-type in high school, I wouldn't trade this time of my life for anything. My dad and I are still best friends and I consider my little sister one of my best friends despite if she reciprocates that notion.


I'm not sure why girls my age do not want to be my friend. Upon contemplation, I believe that all of my female friends in my adult life have either been younger or older than me by at least a couple years, with few exceptions, of course.
Interesting.
Without sounding overly arrogant, I believe this complex may have developed due to some womens' perception of me as being of the "snob" sort, or even a more degrading word choice that some women choose when describing their initial impressions of me after having gotten to know me better.


Because of such feedback I have learned to smile much more and not walk with my arms crossed--which in fact has given me plenty more opportunity for male friendships.


I play naive at times, but I like to think of myself as cleaver enough to detect when a guy wants to be my friend with the intentions of developing our relationship into something more romantic. When this point develops further into the friendship, it typically signals the severance of said friendship, and deeply hurt feelings on both sides.
I have mourned over lost friendships maybe more times than I should have.
Callouses built. Walls crafted. Yet I can't seem to deny that first year or two of adventure, fellowship, and sharing in pure friendship with a guy.


Although my experience in female friendships is limited, I have come to find that, in general, female friendships are orientated around much more drama, intentions-based reasoning, and beating around the bush.


On the other hand, the male friendships that I have had experience with typically have quite a high regard for being straight-forward, with some being more dramatic than others.

In contemplation of my life experiences, not limited to those represented here, I realize that my life is not about my life. My life is about the Lord. And if I can glorify Him, according to His will, as a free-spirit apart from a community of friends, then hallelujah; praise God.

To each their own path is drawn.

A while back, about five years, I prayed that the Lord would use me as a tool--around the time of my junior year of high school in fact--that I would not be on this earth with self-oriented motives or self-gratifying actions, but that I would be fully His and fully used by Him.
Human relational needs aside.

He was, and is, my desire.

Do I feel used in both quality and quantity for the Lord according to His will? Yes, yes I do. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
I believe that the seed that has been sown and the crops that have been harvested over the past five years--over the past seasons of friendships--have not been in vain or of useless matters.
I believe that the seasons I had of investment and dwelling in friendship with each person I have been involved with--over the past five years specifically --was a part of being a living sacrifice unto the Lord.

This I believe because this is what I committed; my whole life.