Self

I can't sing well, I don't dance with style, my art abilities are as developed as I left them in the seventh grade, I can't run as fast as I used to, my vocabulary--apart from speech communication terminology--has suffered over the past few years, I'm not as well read as I want to be, my degree of knowledge of the Word is not as satisfying as I desire, I can't play an instrument well, I'm not gifted in poetry or songwriting, my plants don't grow very well, I'm not skilled in Adobe programs, I'm not as well versed in Scripture as I'd like, I am not a cook or a baker, I don't know how to sew/knit/krochet well, I only know two types of braids, and I only know one style of friendship bracelet-making.
I can't seem to keep friendships more than four years and I can't fold origami.


However, I am a child of God; my identity is secure in Him alone and that's all I must know.


Although my heart and flesh may fail, God is my strength and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

From the knife

I was about seven years old the first time I contemplated suicide. I don’t recall how I even knew the concept, let alone the procedure at such a young age, but the happenings left only scars in my memory of the day I found myself found by God for the first time.

I remember entering the kitchen in the only home I knew at the time enraged with hate. My heart was fluttering with vengeance and my mind racing with spite. I stood in the kitchen thinking, listening to the enemy’s lies.

I thought about the satisfaction I would have in knowing the regret I would cause them all. The regret my sister would feel, terrorized by her own guilt of how she treated me. The afflictions my parents would bare for allowing such treatment to fall upon me time after time. I would be remembered—I told myself—I would be worthy of their tears and valued as what they couldn’t have.

I reached for the knife, no swiftness involved, I stood there—nervous and still.

The knife was in my right hand, and my eyes were set on my left wrist. I stood there, listening to the lies, listening in the silence of my soul but with the screams of my mind.

It was but a moment later that I was encountered with the most powerful voice I have ever experienced—and it was nothing less than an experience, indeed.

Overwhelmed I heard one simple statement. One simple statement that saved my little life: “I love you.”

This was a voice that was beyond my mind’s own, beyond what I could even compose in my imagination. This was the voice of my Savior. He spoke it in truth, He spoke it in confirmation. He spoke it for my saving.

It was that day that I, as a suicidal seven year old girl, had life spoken into me for the very first time. A rushing confirmation of His enduring love for me was poured over me in that moment. I.was.loved.

It was all I needed to know, and I knew it. I knew it because I experienced it, and although I cannot fully explain it, even now, I know what I know and I know what I know.

The love of my creator was the only thing that I understood. I didn’t understand why or how it transformed me that day, but I was different thereafter: I had a seed of hope, planted by God.

Even the situations of my childhood do not align with this divine communication of love. I was not raised in church, I did not have a Bible. I don’t remember ever praying on my own. But God spoke to me. God saved me.

I love Him, because He first loved me.

God has spoken to me since. In my deepest moments of anguish or seeking I have heard His voice. And in my simple asking in the most trivial of circumstances, I have heard His voice. He answered me when I pleaded to know if I should sever an unrighteous relationship, at the moment I began truly seeking His will—and actually listened, He answered.

He answered me when I needed to know if my mom would be okay. He interrupted me through my sobs and turned my weeping into praising.

He whispers truths into my depths as I seek Him throughout my days.

The Lord is my shepherd. 

God bless the whole world

I was nannying today at this beautiful, big house in rancho mirage ca. The family is clearly wealthy, and apparently Christian. I began thinking, particularly when it was time to give the girls their nighttime showers; how filthy rich are we as Americans?

Here is a three year old girl washing her already clean, thin brown hair and fair skinned body with what we Americans would classify as average priced soaps in a beautiful stone and glass shower room larger than some peoples' bedrooms.

This scene beckoned thoughts of the children who live in the countries where we harvest our stone tiles or luxurious items. I just pictured a similarly aged girl, filthy with the feces and waste of her community.

I couldn't spend much more time working through my thoughts of contrasting these two images in my mind, but I did manage to come to some quick conclusions for myself: if I ever become exponentially more wealthy than I am now (I believe most Americans are the rich of this world in comparison to the world at large), I will not spend said wealth on myself or my family. My standard of living should not increase soley alongside my salary. My goal in life is not financially centered, nor should it be.

My goal is not even to live comfortably. If I were to gain substantially more than my standard of living, then the more I can do and give for others. I would love to have seemingly unlimited funds, simply because I feel that money does serve as a great and simple means to generate aid in this world.

Imagine what amazing changes could be made for a village or community in an impoverished area with the $40,000 to $90,000 that many Americans put towards having a pool off their back patio. That amount could change lives for eternity, yet instead, we relish in the luxuries of having a place to take a dip a few times a year.

Another thought I wrestle surrounds the fact that Christian Americans are oftentimes committing their attention and resources to the same things as non-Christian Americans. We walk around claiming Christ and nailing decorative crosses in our over-sized, single family homes, yet we never stop to act on behalf of our neighbor. So many people feel they have completed their duty by tossing whatever's in their wallet in the giving basket at church, or by giving twenty bucks to the homeless person at the gas station, but what about loving on others in motive and deed? What about sacrificing past our wall of comfort?

Even simply educating ourselves on the current state of our international community of humanity would prove as a valuable use of our time and resources.

Despite my continued thoughts on this topic, I unfortunately have run out of the time required to record them. 

God bless America, God bless the whole world.

Bruises and hugs

Can’t eat, can’t sleep. I don’t want to think for myself, so I drown my mind with mindlessness. Polluting my vision and my ear buds with noise and foolishness. When I stop, reality is swift to set.

Bruises on my conscience, I need a walk with a friend. But then again, maybe I just need a walk with my Savior. My eyes burned all day. It’s been two days since I found out, since I found. But what can I do now. The damage is done and every time I think I have her back, back in my arms as my baby sister I find more, I see more, but when considering her, I’m seeing less. Less character, less respect, less pride.

I think I forgot how to go to sleep. I don’t know what to do with myself.

I would protect her from anything, from anyone I could with all my strength. But how do I protect her from herself? How do I protect her from herself. I hugged her and it felt like I was hugging my little sister again.

Responsibility in the Greater "We"

Consider the Lord’s prayer, when Jesus was giving the sermon on the mount, He explained how we are to pray. After advising the people to pray to the unseen Father in privacy and without babbling, Jesus exemplifies prayer in the following passage:

⁹ This, then, is how you should pray:

Our Father in heaven, 
hallowed be your name, 
¹⁰ your kingdom come, 
your will be done, 
   on earth as it is in heaven. 
¹¹ Give us today our daily bread. 
¹² And forgive us our debts, 
   as we also have forgiven our debtors. 
¹³ And lead us not into temptation,
   but deliver us from the evil one

Notice how the attention is not on “me”—the receivers of God’s reciprocation are identified as “us.” Furthermore, although the greater we is identified as the involved party, the focus is not on us at all, the focus is solely on God the Father.

This example prayer opens with recognizing and praising God. Then the focus moves to the Father’s will and praying in accordance with His will. Only then does Jesus move on to requesting the Father’s provision and forgiveness. Then the Lord prays for God’s leading apart from temptation and deliverance, which are also a part of God’s will for us.

This is how I wish to pray—with recognition, praise, repentance,

reverence, and request according to the Father’s will.

This thought has revolutionized the way I pray. I am more mindful to pray for the “we”—the group of people I am involved with, invested in, identified with.

Which raises another point; we are all associated with a greater group of others. We may not want to be, this may not be by choice, but none the less, we are associated and bare responsibility for these “others.” This group may be America, it may be our university, our workplace, or our home. I’m not saying we are bare the weight of the sins of those who are also a part of these identity groups, but we do bare responsibility. We are involved and invested, and therefore, we can do something about it, we are responsible.

When we pray, we should pray for “us.” Although I have never stolen a car or committed murder, I am associated with—identified with—those who have. And I am no better than those who have. Therefore, I pray that God would revive us and redeem us.

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

Deception is an interesting topic surrounding transmitting a false or misleading message. In my opinion, both lies of commission and omission are deceitful and wrong. I would like to say that “white lies” are moral, but I think we—as a society—have just conditioned ourselves to accept this logic. If people were honest –purely honest—then white lies wouldn’t be an issue. People who ask “Do these jeans make me looks fat?” shouldn’t ask unless they want a sincere answer.

I know from personal experience that I truly appreciate when others validate my feelings when I pose a concern about my appearance or performance. Also from personal experience, I know not to ask for someone’s opinion when I’m not prepared for the truth. Although this truth has proven painful at times, it has taught me to not seek approval or security from others, but rather, from the Lord.

Nothing Nice

If I don't have anything nice to say, I shouldn't say anything at all. Right? But I simply don't feel well.

I feel broken.

I had a burden weighing in on my slumber last night. I had prayed that God would awaken His spirit in me. I don't care if it takes me breaking to reach His presence. I'm desiring Him, but I don't want to move. I thirst for His Word, but I don't make time to sit and sip.

Apathy and I seem to have paired up.

This has happened before, and it will happen again. I know what I need.

God excites me, He stirs up His passions within me. I simply refuse. I want to bury myself in my bedding and hope for the courage to relieve this anchor of idleness.

I don't want to see anyone. People I usually adore, praise God for, and rejoice with, I want nothing to do with.

Leave me, oh burden, flee from me affliction.

Self-righteous, arrogant, pride-driven pillar of salt I have become.

You let me down.

You roll around thinking you'll be okay tomorrow. You twist and turn, pressing up against your shame, against your pride.

Your sad songs aren't cute anymore.

Your clever words will not liberate your crimes from the chamber of your clasp.

Watch it fade, dim your eyes and hope for more.

But you can't run from this one. Your reach is not long enough, feet swift enough, nor is your charm sly enough.

enough is enough.

Leave it alone now. Burst into His brilliance and dance in His showers of grace. You know it, you knew it before and you know it now.

Ashes into answers.

Embers into emeralds.

He is your portion, from everlasting to everlasting, and forevermore.

Finding Freedom

I want to get out of this boat and I know in my heart You'll keep my feet afloat on the surface of my fears. 

But my mind is at war with fear because the water has never seemed so deep, so mysterious, so cold. 

But you shine so bright you turn oceans into clouds at the breath of your lips. 

And then I realize, I am Yours!

Stop searching, start seeking.

Note to self:

Your life shouldn’t be about your life. Your life should be about the Lord. None of those things make you who you are. None of those things give you worth in any form. It saddens me to see you place value of measure on these things that are given, not found. Maybe if you stop chasing and start seeking, you will find. Or think of the door. You can’t knock on a door if you’re constantly chasing, or running. You must first have your feet planted. Ask, seek, knock. Stand firm in what value God has freely given you and knock on the door He has for you. It will be opened to you. This is what He promises. And as far as your plans not working out—good. I’m glad they didn’t happen if that’s what God didn’t want for you. I know this may sound harsh, but I say it with phileo love.

Why would God give you those things if you find your value in them instead of Him. Why would He replace Himself in your life. Maybe your placement and situation in life aren’t the things that need change.

Lord, steal me away.

Lord, steal me away. I'm missing the freedom of Your oceans, the captivation of Your breeze. I want to draw near to You, Spirit, take me up in arms with You. Your symphonies whisper grace into my breaths, and I'm still twirling in Your waves.

I am yours, and in your embrace, I will stay.

All my excuses, all my regrets, all my surrendered failures and tries. But i find me in the ascending inclination of Your spirit's clasp.

Pouncing on your tides, shedding all my pride, You are my maker and redeemer. Your symphonies whisper grace into my breaths, and I'm still twirling in your waves.

I want to dance in the raising of Your miraculous glory and the awe of Your splendor.

Lord, let Your splendor splash up on me. Let Your radiance marinate over this brilliance You've laid in my days.

I have been engulfed in the grandeur of Your majesty, the richness of Your salvation. But still, I'm twirling in Your magnificent waves, in Your magnificent waves, while your symphonies whisper grace into my every breath.

I'm in love with You, and in Your love, I will stay.

Stir up my heart once again my maker, kindle my passions, and awaken this ecstasy of Your splendor.

Steal me away, off my feet I will go.

Powerful Scripture

Proverbs 19:21 You can make your plans but only God's purpose will prevail.

For of the most High comes healing. -- Ecclesiastes 38:2

What is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? -- Matthew 16:26

Thy word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path. -- Psalm 119:105

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

A righteous man regardeth the life of his beast; but the tender mercies of the wicked are cruel. -- Proverbs 12:10

Psalm 32:7 You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Psalm 86:11 Teach me your way, o Lord, and I will walk in your truth: give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.

Things turn out best for people who make the best of how things turn out. John Wooden

Truly the light is sweet, and a pleasant thing it is for the eyes to behold the sun. -- Ecclesiastes 11:7

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Romans 10:13 For whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be saved.

Cast your cares upon the Lord, for he cares about you. (I Peter 5:7)

In the place where the tree falleth, there it shall be. - Ecclesiastes 11:3

Study to be quiet. -- 1 Thessalonians 4:11

Deuteronomy 31:6 Do not be afraid...for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you or forsake you.

But his (Lots) wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt. -- Genesis, 19:26

The tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil. -- James 3:8

Who are kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. - 1 Peter 1:5

 Isaiah 41:10 Do not fear for I am with you; do not be afraid for I am your God.

On the glorious splendor of Your majesty and on Your wonderful works, I will meditate. Men shall speak of the power of Your awesome acts, and I will tell of Your greatness. Psalm 145: 1-9 

They shall eagerly utter the memory of Your abundant goodness

And will shout joyfully of Your righteousness.

The LORD is gracious and merciful;

Slow to anger and great in lovingkindness.

The LORD is good to all,

Before the mountains were born or You brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God. Psalm 91:2

Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy! Psalm 126:5

And His mercies are over all His works.

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. Psalm 42:7